I speak a firm counter stance on this and lay down strict parameters for those I am working with. There are only two.

1. All intention/healing/prayer work MUST focus solely on ourself
2. IF it is for another, direct, explicit consent must be obtained first
   *limited exception for pre-pubesent children

More often than not, these ethical parameters are met with resistance. Sometimes it is simply a matter of considering how to reframe a situation to focus on our own involvement only. The person who wants their partner to love them more (or differently) can shift their intention to simply feeling more love, for that is the root. In a card reading or healing session, instead of looking at what is up for another person involved, looking instead at what areas or energies the querent needs to navigate or adopt. It might even just be a matter of conditioning to take care of others before one's own self.

The part I really want to speak to however is the hard truth that we can't assume to know best simply because our compassion is engaged. Humans are incapable of fully understanding the complexities, intricacies, and ramifications of any given event, particularly as time unfolds or the different realms it may affect. Heck we can't even see a full range of light and colour. Not even hear a complete array of tones and pitches. Yet a common consensus appears to be that we can freely impose our will over another when we think it is for their "highest good" or that asking the person's "higher self" or "spirit guides" for permission makes it okay. Perhaps even we double check later with that person to find they appreciated it, providing fuel for justifying this habitual response.

Myself? I believe this way of thinking to be out of integrity and dare I say, downright sloppy.
Let me explain by sharing a few true stories:

• A friend of mine made the challenging decision to leave the church of their family and community for their own well-being and alignment. It is not the sort of decision made lightly and requires great strength while also feeling very tender. Remaining members of the church, believing they were acting for the highest good, set about a concentrated prayer effort for their return. My friend not only had to painstakingly rebuild personal beliefs and support systems, but also deal with a strong counter energy to their well-being.
• A social media plea for the safe return of a runaway teen received hundreds of supporters invoking reunification while not considering the damage staying in an abusive home environment might have. Of course, folks often don't know or refuse to acknowledge how bad a situation might be and assume being home with parents automatically means safety.
• For myself, I have shared with friends and within gathered circles that I was dealing with certain chronic ailments during check-in or while catching-up. "This is where I am at" sort of thing. In my practice I engage with many people, tracking and tending through energetic and spirit realm spaces. I cultivate a sensitivity of perception which requires managing streams of unseen influence in a good way and I choose the healing practitioners that I visit carefully and sparingly. When one, a few, or a group of people decide to send me energetic healing or start adding their own intentions as a kind help, it actually becomes more for me to navigate. Despite being well meaning, it can overwhelm my nervous system, increase pain, and inadvertently counteract carefully refined work.
• I host an annual talisman making gathering for intention setting. We begin by discussing the two ethical boundaries and give ample time to each participant to reframe and refine their intentions down to it's very root essence and to keep things focused on themselves. Periodically I have found later that one or a few people went ahead and added in additional intentions that were in direct contradiction to these two codes of conduct, bringing in spouses, adult children, or close friends. Once it even directly included myself even after I clearly expressed refusal ~ because they wanted to anyway. I didn't know until much later and honestly, I believe it had an impact in how the months following unfolded in my personal life.

You may be familiar with the story of the man who helped a butterfly emerge from its cocoon. Essentially the butterfly could not fly because its wings had not developed the needed strength provided by breaking free on its own. I am not one to "love and light" anyone's hardship, or tell someone in the thickest dark night of the soul that "everything happens for a reason", but I also wont deny someone the transformative insights or strength of character that can only be found in our broken places. Who am I to impose my Will on another person's situation without their knowledge nor direct consent? No matter how rotten, no matter the suffering, how would I know that isn't the divine plan, pre-chosen soul path, or the exact poison needed to deliver the most potent medicine? What if our collective prayers inadvertently remove a stepping stone leading to their best life? most suited partner? invaluable wisdom? Is it okay to infringe on another's free will because we tag on "for the highest good"? What if their higher self says Yes but they themselves say No? Are we 100% certain we haven't projected our desire to fix into that divination? Is it enough to go against a conscious dissent? 

What can we do?
Inquiring if someone is open to receiving your prayers or healing intentions, even if you have been friends for decades and you've done it a million times, shows respect and integrity. Every situation is different and what may have been okay before may not be this time. If it is someone you don't know well, or has beliefs other than our own on such matters, pay attention to the language used in asking for consent. If they think healing energy or divination readings are too "woo-woo" or aren't real, see if an equivalent that makes sense to them can be found. Even if it is something like, "Do you mind if I imagine you free from this challenge?" or "Are you okay with me meditating for an answer on this?"

It might be inappropriate or impossible to ask for consent leaving us with an uncomfortable feeling of "doing nothing", and sometimes we just have to sit with that. I like to check in honestly and ask myself if I am able to trust in knowing they have their own wisdom, their own senses, and their own journey in a matter or if I might actually be doubting or accidentally being condescending toward their natural abilities. Simply regarding, noticing, and appreciating someone is a powerful act. Quantum physics shows us the impact an observer can have in situations of all kinds from particle waves to ph levels of water. We aren't doing anything beyond witnessing something already present like their tenacity or the light of their life force. 

What about the exception I mentioned for young children?
I recognize that small dependent children turn to their parents for all of their needs and it is up to us to draw on our skills and supports to do so. Whether it is applying aid during an illness or keeping them safe. It is expected of us. Wanted. Needed. Prayers and healing work included. I say "limited exception" because in my experience folks tend to want to push those boundaries toward pubescent and full grown adult children or stretch into areas that are life or behaviour controlling. Removing a troublemaking friend of theirs during a fire ceremony is different than praying for their ability to make wise choices. It can be exceptionally difficult for parents to honour a child's autonomy, resiliency, and need to make their own way through the dark woods. It can be hard to know when it is right to hold their hand, when we should stand beside or behind, and when to plain stay out of it. Clarity is good. Ask them.

This has been a long one. Much gratitude to readers who have made it this far. It is an area that I am passionate about, aim to follow, and am quite firm on since it comes up so often in my work and gatherings. Of course it is not always appropriate to broach in the heat of a moment either. It was time to put it all in one place and share out from here.

An Initiatory Experience
An initiation marks a distinct time of "before" and "after". The kind of experience that, at its extreme, will feel like a complete life over-haul, almost like we have been reborn or achieved a new level of depth/height in awareness. Everything is somehow different or has shifted in a fundamental or cellular way.

Often it is a rite of passage, deep ceremony, intense personal medicine work, vision quest, or healing event that creates a significant shift in the way we relate to and experience the world. It steps us into a new phase of life or welcomes us into a community previously unavailable to us. It applies also to unplanned events like serious illness, accident, or tragedy, as well as natural life stages such as birth, puberty, menarche, labour/birth/parenthood, coupling/uncoupling, menopause, eldership,  and death.

As I have learned it, there are 3 distinct phases to an Initiation.
Severance. Threshold. Integration.
Others may have different names or words to describe them, but the essence seems consistent in my experiences and observances so far.

​Severance
The preparation phase. This is the lead up to the experience, and is when the healing work actualy begins. Sometimes as early as the moment when we commit to the opportunity. We go through a phase, consciously or not, of acts of letting go of our life as we know it, saying Goodbye to all that is familiar, releasing our grip on the anchors that make us feel stable - patterns, beliefs, relationships, perceived goals and desires, daily constructs, ways of relating, ways of being, ways of thinking - and cutting all ties to the way things are.

If you recognize you are in the Severance stage, you can support and deepen this process by:

• Bringing awareness to the phase you are experiencing
• Observance. Take notice of what theme is present. What situations might be at hand that bring you to this crux time? Are there synchronicities that you are noticing?
• Mindfully acknowledging the last time you touch something before you head off. That when you see it again, you will have a new perspective and be fundamentally changed from holding the medicine and wisdom of your experience. The same for when you see someone for the last time before you go. Part with them in a meaningful way. You are releasing all that "has been" to make way for the more harmonious.

Threshold
This is where we cross over from the "before" to the "after". It is the Experience that changes us or the culmination of experiences that leads us to a pivotal threshold or doorway to step through. It may be marked by ceremony, ritual, vision quest, dark night(s) of the soul, a period of deep healing, or it may not even be fully recognized while in the thick of it - particularly when without the witnessing of community or when the experience(s) are viewed as trauma without resulting gifts.

When in this stage, you might support and deepen the experience by:

• Bringing awareness to the medicinal purpose of what you are experiencing. This is the dissolved, mush state of the not-yet-butterfly caterpillar in the cocoon phase.
• Being gentle with yourself
• Allowing the experience of ALL the feelings, sensations, thoughts, and flashes of intuition and vision. All the emotional highs and lows. All the physical discomforts and tangible revelling. Treating it all with the same level of honour and holding them lightly to more easily pass through and transform.
• Be wary of distraction. If at home this might look like Netflix binging, busy work, social media, imbibing in alcohol or unhealthy use of plant medicines, or otherwise keeping your awareness away from the raw and present. If away in ceremony, it might look like excessive note taking, or hours spent journaling. Perhaps checking the clock, talking to other participants, deflection with humour (not to be confused with healthy levity),  fidgeting or movement without purpose
• If fasting or a dieta is not part of your Threshold, eating foods that feel "clean" in your body and drinking plenty of water or herbal teas
• Draw on your personal spiritual practice. Seek council with elders and spirit guides alike. Rely on tools that are tried and true for you

Integration
Often considered the hardest part, and sadly too often overlooked - integration occurs when we are able to Return to our usual life and keep the gifts we have acquired intact. We are challenged with bringing our internal shifts outward to affect change in our day-to-day living and resist falling back into old ways of thinking, reacting, and being. Many times this transition isn't easy, might be messy, and perhaps feels a bit chaotic as things shake up in order to fall into more harmonious places. Touching in with any community, elders, or teachers that held us through the Threshold phase can be a wellspring of anchoring resources.
​
When in this stage, you might support and deepen the experience by:

• Making hard choices and having tough conversations. The theme or situations identified during the Severance phase is a clue here, notice if things intensify into intolerable levels and create the urge or push to make significant changes. You don't have to rush or force this one. If it happens, it will organically and deep down you will know what the answer is even if your mind wants to argue or complicate it.
• Keep reflecting back to the insights and medicines retrieved during the Threshold. Trust the work has already been underway and you are halfway there, or almost done.

A few years ago I wrote some practical, hands-on, tips and suggestions for integrating the medicines from the Threshold, and bringing all of the unseen, personal, inner work Out into our mundane living experience. If you would like more on the Integration phase, find yourself post-ceremony or have recently undergone a personal healing session, please read "Integration ~ the often overlooked time after soul-work".
If you would like personal and direct support as you move through any of these stages, you are welcome to send me an email at info@3foldbalance.com or book a consultation.

One aspect that I have noticed is that when we do not fully immerse ourselves in the season at hand, we can begin to fall out of alignment, or out of step, with the natural cycle of energy present all around us. This will contribute to S.A.D., lead to frustrations, longing, and have us either scrambling or working against the natural flow of life. Returning to synchronicity and reverence is perhaps easier than one might think! June's Return to Reverence column in the PRL magazine offers up some simple practices that can be incorporated into even the busiest day seamlessly ...

Ahhh summertime soul-work season is upon us! So many exciting, deep, fun, and powerful opportunities for collective yet also personal healing work. Solstice celebrations, fire ceremonies, the Conscious Goddess Festival, workshops, vision quests, plant spirit experiences, spiral dances, labyrinth walks... yummmm! Such good stuff! and yet... afterwards...
What happens after?

After such moving and personal healing work, after our heart-felt connections and tribe building, we head home. Back to our mundane world of jobs, spouses, kids, emails, bills, television, grocery store lighting, facebook trolls, rigid scheduling or simply home alone to more solitary and solo lives...alone. Yet you just had this powerful, earth shattering internal experience! and these two worlds may feel like separate realities that really have a hard time even coming close to meeting. You might feel irritated, discombobulated, frustrated, having strange dreams, or simply dying to convey your amazing insights to others who can't fathom its depth. You might even just forget - like a lost dream upon waking.

This time of Integration is often considered the hardest part of any initiatory or deep healing work.
I can tell you from my experiences as a brainwave technician, as well as my personal development, and field of shamanic practice - this happens much more often than is desirable. It happens in the realms of medical, mental health, spirituality, alternative therapies, and training schools - this western workshop mentality has forgotten how to hold people all the way through to the other side of Integration. There is a lack of guidance and support for people working to bring their new gifts, healing and insights into their regular lives. (and actually the personal process often starts BEFORE the event!)
Here are some tips to support this sensitive and important time:

• Take time if possible before jumping right back into work, parenting, or obligations. A couple/few days if at all possible. A few hours at bare minimum.
• Avoid dense energy situations like watching the news, being near people who challenge you, too much time with electronics like your cell or computer, don't tackle your taxes right away or read that email from your ex. Honour this time to complete what has already begun within you.
• Lots of water! Drink it, bathe in it, swim in it - cleanse and clear inside and out, keep this work flowing smoothly.
• Eat light & clean. Take it easy on caffeine and red meat for a time and re-introduce gently.
• STAY CONNECTED to those who attended with you, to your mentors, teachers, or the host of the event. Reach out, share, ask for support, tell stories, keep it real and alive while also nurturing and honouring your day-to- day challenges with bringing the medicine forward into your usual life.
• Journal, blog, write stream of consciousness style, create art, record your dreams, downloads and inspirations as soon after your experience as possible and for as long as they continue to unfold. This not only helps track your developments but these acts also have an integration process as your internal world is brought out into the 'ordinary' world. And this is the idea right? To bring the changes within you out into your life and community :)
• Dance, yoga, tai chi, breath work, hiking - this keeps energy moving and fresh. There is trouble when we fall stagnant in our energy fields, especially while our spiritual lives are full on shifting and moving. A cue this is the remedy? When you really don't want to. Feel low, frustrated and totally not like dancing? Just push through and begin - once you step into this energetic way of working and lose yourself to the music - Voila!
• Spend time in nature. Just BE not Do. Allow your body to harmonize with the balancing forces of the elements. This is old wisdom, but science too tells us the earth radiates a healing frequency. Ground. Sit with the trees. Let the river bring flow and clear debris. Sit with the calm of a pond. Enjoy the wind clearing your mind and body of tension.
• Observe any omens or signs to support integrating your experience. Synchronicities? Animal encounters? Cloud formations that look like something? Fortuitous happenings? Its all Spirit telling you you are supported, and keeping dialogue open. Watch for messages.
• Keep up your personal spiritual practice. Whatever that is. Journey. Pray. Create Shrines. Chant. Don't have one? Find one. If you need help with that - please reach out to me, or your trusted mentors, teachers, pastors, rabbis, or medicine people.
• REST - did I say that already? Yah. Cuz it's important. Really important.

Any feelings of discombobulation, frustration or chaotic life circumstance upon your return home is totally normal - sometimes it even means you are perfectly right on track! (and if you are all blissed out and smooth sailing that is super awesome too of course!). You may be presented with lots of opportunities that test your ability to forge a new path instead of falling into old habits. After such big soul-work it is not uncommon to hear stories of people quitting dysfunctional jobs or leaving abusive partners. When one has come into a balanced and healed state, anything less in life can become intolerable. On the flip-side, this sort of work is exactly what may be needed to bring you and your lover closer than ever, more content with your life, at peace, and ready to be the eye of calm in any storm life brings you.