Ethics of Consent in Healing, Readings, and Prayers

Consent in healing practice and spiritual communities is something that I bump up against very very often and yet I find is seldom spoken about. If it is, it tends to be short, vague, and encompasses the moral absolution of simply adding "for their highest good" before carrying on. To me, this conversation is essential. Not only for practitioners, teachers, and facilitators to have with those they work with, but for All Of Us. It is relevant in circumstances we regularly encounter in our day-to-day, everything from blowing out birthday candles and wishing on stars to social media pleas and conversations over tea.  It plays out in a variety of ways, but here are a few common scenarios that I encounter:

• Prayer chains, calls for healing work or, " Please hold _insert name here_ in your thoughts" type requests for someone dear to the requesting party. It might be a runaway teen, an ill parent, a friend in need of safe housing, or a loved one in the grip of addiction.
• Card readings when another person is involved in a dynamic. It might be a lover, the jerk at work, an overbearing parent, or a suddenly aloof friend and the querent wants to check in and see what it going on for them.
• Ceremony that includes intentions being worked with or clearing, releasing, transmuting situations, energies, or patterns. Often the default view seems to be one where a specific person other than ourself is included. Someone wants to feel more love from their partner or to change a co-worker's behaviour. But it also includes well wishing for our close friends and family. Calling for so-and-so to get the job they just applied for or maybe that a sibling is relieved from depression.
• Journey circles and healing sessions. Periodically the guidance sought with regards to a situation or tending to an emotional and spiritual wound brings up family members, those who have harmed us, or others involved in the day-to-day experience.
• Sending healing energy, praying for, or holding ceremony for another when they don't know you are doing it or haven't directly asked for it. This often shows up as replying to someone sharing a challenge or struggle either in-person or online with sentiments like, "Sending good vibes!", "Praying for you", or "I've been channeling Reiki to you"

These are all scenarios where our heart becomes engaged and naturally there is an inclination to help or remedy. So much so, that people will aggressively defend their right to do as they please, bolstered by the belief that if something is done out of good and pure intention that is the only requirement

I speak a firm counter stance on this and lay down strict parameters for those I am working with. There are only two.

1. All intention/healing/prayer work MUST focus solely on ourself
2. IF it is for another, direct, explicit consent must be obtained first
   *limited exception for pre-pubesent children

More often than not, these ethical parameters are met with resistance. Sometimes it is simply a matter of considering how to reframe a situation to focus on our own involvement only. The person who wants their partner to love them more (or differently) can shift their intention to simply feeling more love, for that is the root. In a card reading or healing session, instead of looking at what is up for another person involved, looking instead at what areas or energies the querent needs to navigate or adopt. It might even just be a matter of conditioning to take care of others before one's own self.

The part I really want to speak to however is the hard truth that we can't assume to know best simply because our compassion is engaged. Humans are incapable of fully understanding the complexities, intricacies, and ramifications of any given event, particularly as time unfolds or the different realms it may affect. Heck we can't even see a full range of light and colour. Not even hear a complete array of tones and pitches. Yet a common consensus appears to be that we can freely impose our will over another when we think it is for their "highest good" or that asking the person's "higher self" or "spirit guides" for permission makes it okay. Perhaps even we double check later with that person to find they appreciated it, providing fuel for justifying this habitual response.

Myself? I believe this way of thinking to be out of integrity and dare I say, downright sloppy.
Let me explain by sharing a few true stories:

• A friend of mine made the challenging decision to leave the church of their family and community for their own well-being and alignment. It is not the sort of decision made lightly and requires great strength while also feeling very tender. Remaining members of the church, believing they were acting for the highest good, set about a concentrated prayer effort for their return. My friend not only had to painstakingly rebuild personal beliefs and support systems, but also deal with a strong counter energy to their well-being.
• A social media plea for the safe return of a runaway teen received hundreds of supporters invoking reunification while not considering the damage staying in an abusive home environment might have. Of course, folks often don't know or refuse to acknowledge how bad a situation might be and assume being home with parents automatically means safety.
• For myself, I have shared with friends and within gathered circles that I was dealing with certain chronic ailments during check-in or while catching-up. "This is where I am at" sort of thing. In my practice I engage with many people, tracking and tending through energetic and spirit realm spaces. I cultivate a sensitivity of perception which requires managing streams of unseen influence in a good way and I choose the healing practitioners that I visit carefully and sparingly. When one, a few, or a group of people decide to send me energetic healing or start adding their own intentions as a kind help, it actually becomes more for me to navigate. Despite being well meaning, it can overwhelm my nervous system, increase pain, and inadvertently counteract carefully refined work.
• I host an annual talisman making gathering for intention setting. We begin by discussing the two ethical boundaries and give ample time to each participant to reframe and refine their intentions down to it's very root essence and to keep things focused on themselves. Periodically I have found later that one or a few people went ahead and added in additional intentions that were in direct contradiction to these two codes of conduct, bringing in spouses, adult children, or close friends. Once it even directly included myself even after I clearly expressed refusal ~ because they wanted to anyway. I didn't know until much later and honestly, I believe it had an impact in how the months following unfolded in my personal life.

You may be familiar with the story of the man who helped a butterfly emerge from its cocoon. Essentially the butterfly could not fly because its wings had not developed the needed strength provided by breaking free on its own. I am not one to "love and light" anyone's hardship, or tell someone in the thickest dark night of the soul that "everything happens for a reason", but I also wont deny someone the transformative insights or strength of character that can only be found in our broken places. Who am I to impose my Will on another person's situation without their knowledge nor direct consent? No matter how rotten, no matter the suffering, how would I know that isn't the divine plan, pre-chosen soul path, or the exact poison needed to deliver the most potent medicine? What if our collective prayers inadvertently remove a stepping stone leading to their best life? most suited partner? invaluable wisdom? Is it okay to infringe on another's free will because we tag on "for the highest good"? What if their higher self says Yes but they themselves say No? Are we 100% certain we haven't projected our desire to fix into that divination? Is it enough to go against a conscious dissent? 

What can we do?
Inquiring if someone is open to receiving your prayers or healing intentions, even if you have been friends for decades and you've done it a million times, shows respect and integrity. Every situation is different and what may have been okay before may not be this time. If it is someone you don't know well, or has beliefs other than our own on such matters, pay attention to the language used in asking for consent. If they think healing energy or divination readings are too "woo-woo" or aren't real, see if an equivalent that makes sense to them can be found. Even if it is something like, "Do you mind if I imagine you free from this challenge?" or "Are you okay with me meditating for an answer on this?"

It might be inappropriate or impossible to ask for consent leaving us with an uncomfortable feeling of "doing nothing", and sometimes we just have to sit with that. I like to check in honestly and ask myself if I am able to trust in knowing they have their own wisdom, their own senses, and their own journey in a matter or if I might actually be doubting or accidentally being condescending toward their natural abilities. Simply regarding, noticing, and appreciating someone is a powerful act. Quantum physics shows us the impact an observer can have in situations of all kinds from particle waves to ph levels of water. We aren't doing anything beyond witnessing something already present like their tenacity or the light of their life force. 

What about the exception I mentioned for young children?
I recognize that small dependent children turn to their parents for all of their needs and it is up to us to draw on our skills and supports to do so. Whether it is applying aid during an illness or keeping them safe. It is expected of us. Wanted. Needed. Prayers and healing work included. I say "limited exception" because in my experience folks tend to want to push those boundaries toward pubescent and full grown adult children or stretch into areas that are life or behaviour controlling. Removing a troublemaking friend of theirs during a fire ceremony is different than praying for their ability to make wise choices. It can be exceptionally difficult for parents to honour a child's autonomy, resiliency, and need to make their own way through the dark woods. It can be hard to know when it is right to hold their hand, when we should stand beside or behind, and when to plain stay out of it. Clarity is good. Ask them.

This has been a long one. Much gratitude to readers who have made it this far. It is an area that I am passionate about, aim to follow, and am quite firm on since it comes up so often in my work and gatherings. Of course it is not always appropriate to broach in the heat of a moment either. It was time to put it all in one place and share out from here.